This is a very old joke, but in many ways is quite true and still relevant. Even better, it’s been updated to reflect the current world state (and I couldn’t resist adding a bit to it myself). Without further adieu, enjoy this lesson on economic systems employed around the world; demonstrated using the always reliable cow model.

 

Socialism

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.

Communism

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

Bureucratism

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

Enron Venture Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

Andersen Model Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You shred them.

French Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads because you want 3 cows.

Japanese Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

German Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism

You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

Irish Capitalism

You have 2 cows. They are drunk and so are you.

Dutch capitalism

You have 2 cows. You are not satisfied with the amount of milk they produce. You hire a cow manager who fires one of your cows in order to urge the other to work harder. When you find out that milk production has declined, you fire your remaining cow and reward the cow manager with a huge bonus.

Islamic Capitalism

You have 1 cow, 1 bull, 1 calf and an abundance of grass. You sell the all grass to buy explosives, strap them to the calf and send it to your neighbor’s yard. Then you shoot the cow for exposing its udder and blame your neighbor when the bull starves to death.

Russian Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count again and learn you have 42 cows. You count again and learn you have 2 cows. You open another bottle of vodka.

Swiss Capitalism

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

Chinese Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reports otherwise.

Indian Capitalism

You have 2 cows. You worship them.

British Capitalism

You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

Iraqi Capitalism

Everyone thinks you have many cows. You tell them you have none but they don’t believe you and bomb the crap out of your country. You still have no cows but at least you are part of a democracy.

Somali Capitalism

You have no cows. Your distant neighbor tries to bring you a cow, but you shoot at him until he leaves for interfering with your business. Afterward you manage to find a cow and send it to eat the neighbor’s grass. You are surprised when the neighbor shoots your cow.

Australian Capitalism

You have 2 cows. Business seems good. You close the office and go for a few celebratory beers.

Arkansas Capitalism

You have 2 cows. The one on the left is kind of cute…